Recently, we have seen the destruction and degradation of not only the institution of the family, but also parenthood. Depression, despondency, a desire to feel sorry for oneself, pride, jealousy, boasting - these and many other vices take their roots from distant childhood.
Parents are very different - someone strangles the child with their hyper-care, others indulge any activity of the child, and still others arrange their personal lives and pay little attention to the need for education. And almost every parent thinks that a child owes him after birth. I must obey, I must choose the model of life imposed by mom or dad, and think in the way that, in their opinion, it will be right. And if a child suddenly riots and tries to go his own way, tries everything new, chooses his own environment and occupation, then a “righteous” educational activity awakens from the parent, which continues to destroy the personality of the child.
Today we will look at 10 common mistakes of parents that a child takes with him into adulthood over the years.
10. I do not need such a child
If the baby does not behave the way his parents or his surroundings expect him to do, then the phrase that destroys the personality may follow: “I do not need such a child.” She has many modifications - “and why did I give you birth”, “you are my mistake”, “we will exchange for another in the store”, “we will give birth to another baby instead of you”, etc. A child understands from childhood that parents only need him as they see him. In order to be near mom and dad, you should become a humble robot without your feelings and desires. The ability to adapt to keep loved ones is preserved in the baby and in adulthood. He understands that as he is, few people need him, so he puts on a mask of hypocrisy and conformism and plays a role of a person who others may like. It can be controlled only by finding pain points from childhood, saying the cherished phrases "we will part if ...", "I will stop talking to you if ...".
9. Mother will leave you
Another way parents manipulate children. Saying a similar phrase to your baby, you leave him in fear and anxiety, and sometimes wild despair. As it is, the only close and dear person can leave you at any time if you back down. Over time, the child overdoes the dependence on parents, but develops another extreme - not to trust and not to trust anyone in life. Such a person does not seek help and does not offer it; he is poorly friends and builds personal relationships, because he realizes that he can lose good people at any time. On the one hand, such a position is sober and fair for the present world, and on the other, it does not allow us to let really wonderful people into our souls and hearts, trust them, share feelings, make plans and make some of our dreams come true.
8. I know better what you need
And all their life, parents “know better” where to learn, who to be friends with, who to fall in love with, where to work and what kind of hobby. It starts from childhood, when with an obvious talent for designing or drawing, mother gives the baby to ballroom dancing or singing, because she always dreamed of realizing it. Mom says her own childhood injuries and unrealized opportunities, so she can only be pitied. Many of us were hostages of such education, living, in fact, someone else's life. At one point, we realize that we “wipe our pants” at a hated work, wake up the next morning with a stranger called a spouse, and inside, an unrealized astronaut, nature scientist or fashion designer continues to die quietly. The most important thing a parent can do for his child is to carefully monitor his first interests from an early age and stimulate an inspired child to develop his talents. And if you are worried about the environment - invite to the house and try to make friends with new friends or objects of sighing of the child.
7. You're a boy
One of the most dangerous ways to ruin a son’s life is to form an infantile and dependent man who does not strive for a goal, does not have the right to receive reciprocity in relationships, as well as the opportunity to express his feelings. For this reason, statistics is inexorable - men more often die from cardiovascular and endocrine pathologies, and the average period of life is several years behind the female. In childhood, the baby cries because his primary injuries come out like this: fears, fears, disappointment, resentment, anger. After such an act, he will get rid of pain and will be able to continue a normal life. And forbidding his son to cry, because a man, you see, is not supposed to, is tantamount to killing his personality. By the way, the gender orientation of education takes place in the life of a girl. The latter is not allowed to respond sharply, to surrender to the enemy - after all, she is the future “lady”. This is how people with unexpressed (suppressed) feelings and emotions are formed, which continually erupt in adult life in the form of depressions and psychoses.
6. I will call my father now
Trying to instill fear and disrespect for the “bad cop” is a disgusting female trait. Of course, every mother wants to fully “boss” over her child, so she literally throws off the bad upbringing roles on her father, saying that they better not love him. And the dad, who does not want to build his child at all, but only loves and pity, carelessly kicks his mother, saying "what kind of father are you, who doesn’t care about the child, but show firmness." Thus, matriarchal power in the family blooms in a riotous color - a woman at the same time leads under the heel of a “despot father” and suppresses the child’s own self. It is not surprising that in modern families children are pathologically dependent on mothers, do not respect fathers and are formed by moral cripples who are used to solving all life problems “through third parties”.
5. Mom is bad because of you
We all remember the situation when a mother has a headache, fever or weakness, and at the same time there is a linking of well-being to the behavior of the child. God forbid, the child got a tattoo, lit a cigarette, or started dating a “bad” partner - mom immediately has a fit of panic and tantrum, migraine, false tears. Since childhood, the little ones have been accused of guilty feelings for the moral and physical well-being of loved ones, forming in it an unhealthy conformism and a desire to indulge the "Wishlist" of other people. The most critical situation is that the mother may be cold to the child after a divorce from his father. Growing up, he realizes that all his life he served his mother as a reminder and connection with an unloved person, which manifested itself in attitude and upbringing. The only chance for such people is to separate faster from overwhelming parents, to report facts about their life in a dosed manner, so as not to allow them to speculate for selfish requests.
4. Look at Vanya / Masha
Comparing your only and unique child with a stranger is a huge mistake by adults. It gives rise to a desire to correspond to some idols, sometimes completely inadequate, while a person can compare himself only with himself yesterday to achieve success. Inferiority complexes against the background of discrepancy with “mother’s favorites” are taken by people into adulthood, which leads to dissatisfaction with their appearance, figure, work of a loved one. In the end, people get desperate that they are always supposedly worse than someone (by most subjective measures), instead of looking at the virtues, unique features and developing them further. Loneliness and self-esteem are what awaits a grown child in an independent life.
3. So, everything is clear
You can add to this the well-known “I remember everything”, “God sees and punishes everything”, “Santa Claus will not bring gifts to such a spoiled child.” Voila, your child lives in fear that his slightest mistake is a reason for the righteous anger of the Universe, the strongest punishment, pain. The child constantly feels tension in his activities, and in the future learns to hide tricks and mistakes from his parents, just not to be cursed, not to endure heavy punishment and bright evil emotions in his direction. I think it’s not even worth saying that there will be no trust between relatives in such a family.
2. The main thing is do not touch anything
The child’s natural need is to know and modify the world. From the first years, he wants to feel, touch, disassemble everything in order to understand how the object and our life as a whole are arranged. Prohibitory phrases from the category of “do not run,” “do not touch,” “do not go there,” “do not eat,” etc., are destructive for 2 reasons. Firstly, the child cannot thirst for knowledge - the big world is fascinating, attracts him with his amazing miracles. Just the baby will learn to hide from parents the act of knowledge and its results. Secondly, the “forbidden fruit is sweet”, so now, with your curiosity warmed up by you, the child will certainly want to know how to “run,” “touch,” “walk,” etc. In the future, adults continue to cultivate the fear of being caught, they are easy to manage and impose their opinion.
1. Don't you love mom?
Speculation in the feelings of the child is a serious educational crime. How can a baby connected to a mother biologically and energetically not like her? In this case, this question is a malicious manipulation, forcing the child to prove his love by the actions of the mother. Like if you love, then prove and do as I want. When the manipulation works in childhood, the mother continues it even in adulthood, “I'm a bad mother”, “you don’t call anymore”, “you listen less often now”, etc. And instead of telling your mother that you are an adult the person himself knows how to live, we begin to bend, fawn and again please her “Wishlist”. A lifelong sense of guilt and a desire to prove one's love destroys an adult personality. But love is not mutual sacrifice and compromise, but creation and creativity for the benefit of each person.
People, read books, attend trainings, learn from good teachers and psychologists. Attitudes imposed on us by parents and society from childhood lead to the fact that we bring up the same depressed, unhappy and reserved people with a lot of childhood injuries and complexes. Get out of this vicious circle and give the world a full and creative personality.